I'm a little behind the curve, but I just found out the other day that Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein made $68.5 million in cash and stock in 2007.  Now, you might think Mr. Blankfein didn't deserve such an exorbitant compensation package, particularly since Goldman Sachs recently received $10 billion in taxpayer bailout money, and likely will receve more before all is said and done.  Shoot, you might question whether ANY effective, successful CEO deserves that much money, much less one whose company is losing money less than a year later.   But that shows how little you know about Lloyd Blankfein.

Lloyd Blankfein isn't like you and me, and that's why he deserved to earn $68.5 million in 2007.  Sure, sure, he's well-connected--he slipped into Henry Paulson's spot at Goldman Sachs shortly after Paulson was nominated to become Treasury Secretary on May 30, 2006.  With that move, Blankfein instantly became one of the highest paid executives on Wall Street!  Even for someone as bright, hard-working, well-educated and talented as Lloyd Blankfein undoubtedly is, that was like winning the CEO Powerball Jackpot.  Honey, it's all about who you know and who they know.  But that's not what I'm talking about when I say Lloyd Blankfein isn't like you and me.  He has some extraordinary superhuman talents that you and I lack.  For starters:

Did you know that when Lloyd Blankfein moves his bowels, he lays a golden egg?  Generally each egg weighs around 1 troy pound (12 troy ounces) which at today's gold prices will fetch in the neighborhood of $12k apiece, and likely more because they are nice collector's items.  Golden egg production is 365 days per year--Mr. Blankfein is quite regular, and doesn't take off on weekends or holidays.  

Look closely at this man's picture.  Don't you recognize him?  Didn't you just watch him on Comedy Central's Friday Night Standup?  Wasn't he your 6th grade science teacher? Is he the Papa John's pizza delivery man?  Wasn't he the anesthesiologist who gave you an epidural when you were in labor with your second child?  The answer to all these questions is YES.  His name is Lloyd Blankfein.  You see, Lloyd Blankfein invented a self-replicator, and has cloned himself hundreds of thousands of times. Every Lloyd Blankfein clone is a productive, tax-paying member of society, 100% guaranteed by Lloyd Blankfein.  There is a team of Lloyd Blankfein assassins who take out any Lloyd Blankfein clone the instant he applies for government assistance or becomes disabled.  These assassins are on constant high alert, scouring the landscape from the air in their black helicopters, and when necessary they abduct defective clones and liquify them with acid a la Harvey Keitel in "Point of No Return."   Lloyd Blankfein takes the word "productivity" to a whole new level.

Lloyd Blankfein also has a special eye stalk that allows him to see into the fourth dimension.  The eye stalk was given to him as a token of appreciation for a favor he did for Momo of the Kluppers, an old friend from the Manhattan Woods Golf Club in West Nyack.  While this eye stalk did not give him any insight into mortgage backed securities, credit default swap contracts with AIG, the dangers of unbridled greed, or the virtues of accountability and responsibility, it does allow him to travel outside the confines of 3-dimensional Spaceland where the rest of us dwell.   Undoubtedly his 4D eye stalk provides Mr. Blankfein a significant competitive edge, including but not limited to, a 700 hour work day.

I'm sure folks who are familiar with Lloyd Blankfein are well aware of these and many more of his charms.  But I believe I've said enough already to convince you that $68.5 million is nothing short of a bargain:  Lloyd Blankfein craps golden eggs, has a self-replicator with an army of worker drones, and sports a 4D eyestalk in addition to all his beneficial personal connections on Wall Street, in the U.S. government and in the Fourth Dimension.  You know what I'd call Lloyd Blankfein?  Priceless.  This business of him giving up his bonuses is nothing but crazy talk.  We should bear in mind that unlike all the other short-sighted horrendously overpaid CEOs of money-losing companies on Wall Street, CEOs with abilities approaching the divine DESERVE compensation in the millions.