Granny's Blog
Granny and Racist Viral Emails
Monday, 13 April 2009 19:03

We've amassed quite a collection of racist viral emails here at LiePie.com.  Sharon Jasper and Section 8 Housing has enjoyed a popularity surge recently, but let's not forget New Orleans vs. Iowa Floods, Black Robbers, Dear Mr. Obama, Anti-Obama GOTV Poem, and my new favorite, Proud to be White.  You can also search the Lie Piebrary for "lie taco" and "lie kebab" if you'd like to see more.

I wish I could pontificate about these racist viral emails and discrimination in America the way lots of white folks do, but I don't feel qualified.  I don't know what it's like to be black in America.  I've spent my entire life surrounded by white people.  How could I have an opinion about something I know nothing about?

You might wonder how I managed to live my entire life surrounded by white people.  It seems a marvel in this day and age!  All I know is, I grew up in rural Iowa and there weren't any black kids in my school from K-12.  In fact, there weren't any black kids in our conference.  When I went to a district track meet as a junior in high school, I vividly remember seeing one lone black girl who, to my surprise, wasn't a very fast runner.  I always wondered why all the black people seemed to live in Des Moines rather than in the country like I did.  Turns out, I grew up in a sundown town.  For years during the early part of the 20th century there was a sign posted at the town limit that said, "Nigger, don't let the sun set on you in Our Town."  There had been a small settlement of black people on the south end of town dubbed "Burr Town" by the white locals, but at some point their houses were torched and they were all driven out of town.  The rubble from those old foundations is still visible if you know where to look.

I left rual Iowa when I was 18 and attended a Christian university with a very small African American enrollment.  I recall only one or two black girls living in any of my dorms in 4 years.  Most of the black students were housed on the other side of campus.  In the years after graduation, I occasionally worked with black people, but not very closely because they tended to work in other departments.  I worked with the white people in marketing and administration, and the black people always worked in housekeeping, food service, and nursing.  I did attend an EEO training once because the company that hired me had settled a discrimination lawsuit by, among other things, agreeing to provide information about discrimination and harrassment during the new employee orientation process.  The company apparently had a strong preference for hiring only white people for management positions, and it became a problem when they had to defend themselves against the discrimination complaint in court.  Anyway, I now reside in 82% white Cary, North Carolina.  I did see a couple of black people once at my church. 

I wonder if living around nothing but white people has made me institutionalized.  "These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized."  Sometimes I think about the rubble of those foundations in Burr Town.  I wonder what happened to those friendless refugees from slavery, huddled together and desperate for a foothold, driven from their homes, terrorized, impoverished, hungry.  I think about what might have been had I grown up with their grandchildren.  How would their lives be different?  How would my life be different?  No one will ever know, honey.  So I'm sorry I can't talk to you about racism in America.  I don't really know any black people.  You're on your own.     
 
The 68.5 Million Dollar Man
Wednesday, 18 February 2009 21:17

I'm a little behind the curve, but I just found out the other day that Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein made $68.5 million in cash and stock in 2007.  Now, you might think Mr. Blankfein didn't deserve such an exorbitant compensation package, particularly since Goldman Sachs recently received $10 billion in taxpayer bailout money, and likely will receve more before all is said and done.  Shoot, you might question whether ANY effective, successful CEO deserves that much money, much less one whose company is losing money less than a year later.   But that shows how little you know about Lloyd Blankfein.

Lloyd Blankfein isn't like you and me, and that's why he deserved to earn $68.5 million in 2007.  Sure, sure, he's well-connected--he slipped into Henry Paulson's spot at Goldman Sachs shortly after Paulson was nominated to become Treasury Secretary on May 30, 2006.  With that move, Blankfein instantly became one of the highest paid executives on Wall Street!  Even for someone as bright, hard-working, well-educated and talented as Lloyd Blankfein undoubtedly is, that was like winning the CEO Powerball Jackpot.  Honey, it's all about who you know and who they know.  But that's not what I'm talking about when I say Lloyd Blankfein isn't like you and me.  He has some extraordinary superhuman talents that you and I lack.  For starters:

Did you know that when Lloyd Blankfein moves his bowels, he lays a golden egg?  Generally each egg weighs around 1 troy pound (12 troy ounces) which at today's gold prices will fetch in the neighborhood of $12k apiece, and likely more because they are nice collector's items.  Golden egg production is 365 days per year--Mr. Blankfein is quite regular, and doesn't take off on weekends or holidays.  

Look closely at this man's picture.  Don't you recognize him?  Didn't you just watch him on Comedy Central's Friday Night Standup?  Wasn't he your 6th grade science teacher? Is he the Papa John's pizza delivery man?  Wasn't he the anesthesiologist who gave you an epidural when you were in labor with your second child?  The answer to all these questions is YES.  His name is Lloyd Blankfein.  You see, Lloyd Blankfein invented a self-replicator, and has cloned himself hundreds of thousands of times. Every Lloyd Blankfein clone is a productive, tax-paying member of society, 100% guaranteed by Lloyd Blankfein.  There is a team of Lloyd Blankfein assassins who take out any Lloyd Blankfein clone the instant he applies for government assistance or becomes disabled.  These assassins are on constant high alert, scouring the landscape from the air in their black helicopters, and when necessary they abduct defective clones and liquify them with acid a la Harvey Keitel in "Point of No Return."   Lloyd Blankfein takes the word "productivity" to a whole new level.

Lloyd Blankfein also has a special eye stalk that allows him to see into the fourth dimension.  The eye stalk was given to him as a token of appreciation for a favor he did for Momo of the Kluppers, an old friend from the Manhattan Woods Golf Club in West Nyack.  While this eye stalk did not give him any insight into mortgage backed securities, credit default swap contracts with AIG, the dangers of unbridled greed, or the virtues of accountability and responsibility, it does allow him to travel outside the confines of 3-dimensional Spaceland where the rest of us dwell.   Undoubtedly his 4D eye stalk provides Mr. Blankfein a significant competitive edge, including but not limited to, a 700 hour work day.

I'm sure folks who are familiar with Lloyd Blankfein are well aware of these and many more of his charms.  But I believe I've said enough already to convince you that $68.5 million is nothing short of a bargain:  Lloyd Blankfein craps golden eggs, has a self-replicator with an army of worker drones, and sports a 4D eyestalk in addition to all his beneficial personal connections on Wall Street, in the U.S. government and in the Fourth Dimension.  You know what I'd call Lloyd Blankfein?  Priceless.  This business of him giving up his bonuses is nothing but crazy talk.  We should bear in mind that unlike all the other short-sighted horrendously overpaid CEOs of money-losing companies on Wall Street, CEOs with abilities approaching the divine DESERVE compensation in the millions. 
 
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